Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
