I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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