i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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