3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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