Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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