can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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