It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
