The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
