Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
