Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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