I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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