So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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