I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
