Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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