we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
