Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
