you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
