News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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