all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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