I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
