we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
