theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
