Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The power of my boobs compel you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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