At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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