sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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