My girlfriend figured out who you are.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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