I'm going to jail i love you
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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