I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
