I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
