i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
