In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
