Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
