Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
