If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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