I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
