I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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