He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
