well I can't set my house on fire every night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
