this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you had me at cake vodka
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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