why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
