I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
