I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
