The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
