She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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