I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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