Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize