How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
