The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
