he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
