I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
