i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
