Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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