i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
